Last year was undoubtedly one of the worst years in recent memory for films. The release of Avatar and the subsequent universal popularity it received, plus an ever-increasing development of films being shot/post-produced in 3D casted an enormous blue-hued shadow over the landscape of modern film-making. Turning our brains into mush and forever fecal-powerbombing the art form of motion picture.
So, where did it all go wrong in the past twelve months? Or should I say, what should happen in the next twelve months…
1. No more fucking SAW movies
If there’s one fucking thing that’s outstayed its welcome, it’s Saw.
Convoluted and ridiculously back and forth plots, stupid retarded scary puppet thing, unimaginable dumbness on all the actors to a degree, and boring, predictable drawn-out bullshit films as a whole.
Are people this stupid? Are you stupid? This franchise needs to die…. Just straight down the line, dead. No more fucking plot twists or dead characters getting resurrected for the fifteenth time.
Saw, suck my balls.
2. Give the fucking Coens a services to film award at the Oscars
Paul and Barry Chuckle. circa 1823
Yeah, do I really have to explain myself here..?… Oh
Blood Simple, True Grit, Big Lebowski, Fargo, No Country For Old Men….
3. Enforce retirement upon Johnny Depp
Last place in goatee contest
Look, this is going to get a few boos. But this guy is just fucking annoying me now. He does his job well I guess… Love him in Fear and Loathing. He’s just fucking everywhere though, he doesn’t take a day off! I mean does he have a wife? I wouldn’t marry him… What a bastard fella he would be!
“Yeah I’ll be off shooting tomorrow” ….
“What, again? Another 3 months?”…..
“Yeah sorry, well what can ya do? I’ve got millions in the bank, and I’m sexually frustrated”
Ever since the release of the first Pirates of the Caribbean, I swear to god – Depp is just the most sought after actor in Hollywood. Now I’m not saying that isn’t a good thing… Because obviously he loves to work SOOOOO fucking much. But… You know, give someone else a shot?? Please?? Contrary to what people say, you, and Brad Pitt for that matter – are showing your age.
Let’s vote to see which one’s gonna be first to play the ‘bumbling old man’ role in a Farrelly brothers comedy.
4. Hire assassins to maim or possibly murder Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg
After a number of years riding on the coattails (why?) of the Wayans team. These two cunts have found it increasingly necessary, and for some reason logical – To direct and script possibly the shittiest, most degrading, suicide-thought inducing ‘comedy’ films in the history of man. Yeah I went there.
They are the cause of the dumbing down of our society, they are going to single-handedly destroy all that is still good and pure of film-making.
Stop these men.
Stop them….. Please.
5. Minimalise post-production 3D conversion
Yeah, this one’s a pretty major one for me. As I’ve noted before. It wouldn’t be fair to say boycott 3D altogether, because it CAN work and compliment a film if used correctly. However, due to budget constraints, studios have opted to convert their completed films into 3D, instead of using 3D cameras during photography – In turn, making those films extremely harsh on the eyes when watched with 3D glasses on.
It’s simply just a marketing commodity, and it’s beginning to stink like the webbing in between my toes. The vastness of ‘eye-rapes’ from the past year is astronomical and it just needs to be calmed down, soon. It’s not always about the visual, people. Use all other forms of media to tell your story, that’s what we’ve paid our money for. Not a migraine.
Take the power back everyone, and take heed.